37 year old woman with bi-polar disorder, general anxiety disorder, and ADHD chronicles the break-up of her television (and all streaming platforms) to spend more time reading, writing, creating, doing physical activity, cultivating offline friendships and that whole adult-ing thing. Read-along, maybe?
Some transphobic bio-essentialist TERF piece of trash came up on Twitter today and was spewing off ignorant ideas that reduced women to biological functions and anatomy which is problematic on a whole host of levels. Some examples of those problems include:
It erases folks with chromosomal variations.
It erases folks who do not have uteruses (either born without or those who had them surgically removed).
It links womanhood with fertility- thus erasing any woman who cannot have children and shaming any woman who chooses not to have children.
It conflates biological sex and the social constructs of gender (have you ever thought about where you learned to be a man or where you learned to be a woman)?
It erases women who have non-standard menstrual experiences
It clings to the binary of male/female= XX/XY, which any biologist will tell you is not exclusive- it is common but variations outside of this are not as uncommon or unusual as we have been previously told.
It requires that so-called"tradition" which is informed by practices of "domination" be viewed as the "norm" therefore placing all others as not normal. "Not normal" usually precedes not being deserving of dignity or respect and therefore are more vulnerable, more vulnerable means subject to more exploitation and violence.
....the list goes on
However, because it is Twitter I can't provide even a mini lecture on the variety of biology and explain how the binary of even XX/XY is a misnomer I simply posed the question:
"What about intersex people?"
To which this hateful person responded (and I quote):
"U mean the 150, 000 hermaphrodites out of 300 million. Unusual. Same as transgender. No need to change our norms."
I went straight for the jugular and simply responded with, "Wow. Is that how you respond when meeting new people? You must be into ethnic cleansing too."
Let me be clear- linking any human biological function or anatomy to an imperative and then directly correlating that imperative to the "worth" and "validity" of a human being is a form of ableism.
Fuck abelism.
And if that's what you think then fuck you.
Not even in the most casual of meanings of the word.
Because I do not want to.
I do not want to risk an emotional investment on which there will only be negative returns, because at any moment you will disappear- deported back to your home country. Or you will voluntarily leave. And as I have said, no matter the state of our relationship when this happens- your absence will cause me pain and I will miss you.
I have no intention of being your partner.
I have no intention of following you home.
And I have no desire to become your wife.
By involving myself with you sexually you are asking me to keep a part of myself available to you, and the way that my heart is constructed that will foreclose me to recognizing someone who will be more fulfilling and sustaining to me in the ways I want.
I want to be in love.
I want a partner.
And you are not this person.
I need to be open to that person when they come along.
I want to be open when that person comes along.
I ask that if you care for me as you say you do, that you hold your desire for me close to your heart and remain friends with me.
We can share meals, go to the movies, talk and laugh as we do so well together- but do not hold my hand. Do not try to kiss me or sway me into your arms.
I will hold any desire that may arise for you close to my heart.
I will not hold your hand, or kiss you or try to sway you into my arms.
I will continue to be a friend to you, because that is all I can offer you.
It bears repeating: Our Artists Do Not Belong To Us; Supporting and Respecting Our Creatives in the Age of Social Media (Hari Kondabolu posted some Tweets and I had a response...so I put it here)
Those that are in the public eye (in whatever degree) do not exist for your entertainment.
The industry of entertainment is an illusion that propagates fantasy and if you feel frustrated with an artist's so-called failure to live up to that social contract you're ignoring the humanity of that artist.
You are making them an object responsible for your escape. Whenever you make another human being responsible for anything, they will inevitably disappoint you.
So stop. Stop making them responsible for that. Let them disappoint you for something real- like a sexual harassment accusation. Because let's be real, when it comes to a bad haircut v. sexual harassment in the office as a choice of things to dislike about a person I'm gonna go with sexual harassment.
Artists (and all public figures) are multifaceted human beings and we get to see parts of them through social media (and more traditional media outlets).
However, we are NOT ENTITLED to any part of what they choose to show us. The current state of social media produces a saturation of images that requires individuals who are in the public eye to have to utilize social media to cultivate/sustain their audience. And the larger their image gets, the less control they have over this curation, and the more salacious the stories become. Truth or fiction, the spread of rapid fire gossip is toxic (see the image in my last post). If at any point they choose to stop sharing, that is for them- not for us, and as an act of love we need to support that decision.
Also, because you have a social media account that is linked to their social media account, OR you have an OPINION about something that they have produced that in some way has disappointed you; IT DOES NOT GIVE YOU LICENSE TO EXERCISE ANY SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT YOU MIGHT HAVE ABOUT ACCESSING TO THEM.
Our artists do not owe us anything when it comes to our entertainment.
There are times when their art will go on journeys that are departures from where we are at and this is not a betrayal- it is simply a moment for us to to tell someone we love good bye and wish them well on their new journey and thank them for all the joy we've shared together.
Now, let me be clear that when an artist is being a shitty human being (Chris Brown & R. Kelly being misognynoirists, or artists using their art to promote hate or worse recreating scenes from Abu Grab in their artistic aesthetic) we can express our disgust through powerful actions like boycott and discussion. I would suggest that when expressing our displeasure that we be sure to link our disgust to our personal beliefs and/or larger social issues. This requires us being prepared to do so in an honest way. Ya know, face your shit and own it.
And this is true even in our small, less public lives. People do not belong to us. We try so hard to hold on to people who do not want to be in our lives, and people try so hard to hold to us when we do not want to be there anymore.
I speak of course, from a very white perspective which affords me the privilege of being able to move in the world in a way that is much more fluid than that which I have observed for PoC. The entitlement that anyone feels to another person because of social media is not just limited to artists and it's now to the point where it's a personal affront if you don't wish to make yourself seen or shared online as well as offline, or the rapid degradation from subject to object in the digital space. It begs the questions: Why does my agency not matter? Why do you think you can treat me like an object in a digital space? Asking for nudes by the fifth text? Fucking fuck off.
But I digress.
The point is--with social media giving us so much access to our artists, and each other, it is easy to strip each other of our humanity. As in the offline world, we are not entitled to one another in the online world. And this can have emotionally (and--at worst--physically) violent consequences.
Our artists are not our minstrels.
If they produce something that does not speak to us and that does not promote hate, that's okay- there is always next time. We do not need to engage in an accountability conversation with them.
The Love we have with our artists is a special kind of love. We only get to love a part of them. And this Love should come without conditions.
Support should come with very few conditions.
Artists are working so hard.
They create and offer their gifts, each time hoping that it will accepted. It is one of the most humbling professions because each offering has the anxiety of "how am I going to match/top this next time?" blaring in the background. And the need to produce can quickly become less about what is authentic to them and more about what they are trying to do for us.
Fucking let them be.
Let them give us their gifts.
Support them by going to their shows (take your friends), buying their shit (give it as gifts to your friends), promoting their works (on your social media pages and in your cubicle at work if you have one), reposting their stuff and saying kind words to and about them.
If you do critique- do so thoughtfully. State the issue, link it to a larger social issue and offer a solution that advances the conservation forward.
Don't be a dick.
Don't take it personally if they don't respond.
It isn't about you.
This is all chaos, choose kindness
And p.s. if you have their number from back in the day- maybe check in if they have a manager who deals with their bookings...ya know...respect their boundaries. Don't be a CeCe.
I am dog sitting at my favorite client's house. In addition to having an insane amount of incredible memorabilia and fan art- it also has two large televisions, and since arriving I have had no desire to turn either one one.
In the living room, easily 80"+
In the bedroom, much smaller than the living room, easily 60"+.
I reinstalled Twitter onto my phone because I have to confess that the sudden silence of no-social-media-cold-turkey was deafening. I felt disconnected from the world. And trying to read the New York Times everyday was not something I was exactly interested in because--let's face it--they're a bunch of pussies and I missed my alternative news outlets.
I must admit to degree of laziness when it comes to going to multiple news sites to get the information I am accustomed to having buzzed in to me. However, reinstalling Twitter reminded me that I fucking hate how I had Twitter set up, which was to constantly notify me. You'd think I had a Good Vibrations store in my pocket it went off so much. The solution to this self-created nuisance was that as notifications came in I turned them off until only three accounts remained: my kid (yes, I have a spawn- no, I'm not raising them, maybe, I'l blog about it), Occupy Oakland and Democracy Now (because, ya know- priorities).
Shortly after this reintroduction of Twitter one of my favorite comedians, Hari Kondabolu, tweeted that if they didn't do comedy they would quit social media; comparing it to a slow poison. The statement resonated with me on multiple levels. Namely, it reminded me of this image:
This was an image I saw frequently growing up, as it was a poster that resided in the youth meeting rooms of my faith (yes, I'm a recovering Mormon). And it is a very powerful, very clever image that illustrates the toxicity and the ease with which toxicity spreads as well as the willingness with which folks are ready to receive such toxicity. For me, this toxicity is social media, the space of violence it can produce, my addiction to conflict and emotional abuse, not being grounded, living inauthentically and being so flighty. I haven't detoxed from social media. I will admit that keeping Twitter is kind of a social-medial-methadone for me. But, Hari's comment got me thinking: my life is so small, I have nothing to promote. I have like...76 Twitter followers. I wonder if I could suspend participation that was unkind. I mean...I really ought to. Just because I'm not posting long rants on Facebook or inviting trolls to dinner on my Instagram DMs doesn't mean I'm not passing on the toxicity. Shit is shit is shit, even if its of a different color. And if breaking my addiction to conflict is the goal then...I should cultivate kindness across the board not just where it is convenient for me.
...could I actually 100% quit Twitter? Or at least give up mean Tweeting? Like Amanda Palmer who tweeted today that she tries to not tweet "not nice things" and then called President Trump "a jerk" which is....not that bad (in my book).
With literal clicks of buttons, and not any real engagement we spread a lot of viciousness and toxicity. With the same number of clicks and feigned engagement or fleeting sense of well-being we spread joy and happiness, but this online life does not always translate into our offline life. And I am going to aim to be off social media for the next six months and focus on my offline life (which may may these blogs a little long at times- as they probably won't be posted with any regularity). I also recently heard Jay Smooth mention how folks spend so much time collecting moments to share online that they fail to be present offline. And I fucking love Jay Smooth...and Hari Kondabolu....and Amanda Fucking Palmer...and their words come at me at the right time.
Speaking of my offline life, here are some things that have happened in my offline world:
Read two books: Hunger: A Memoir of (my)Body by Roxane Gay and College (Un)bound: The Future of Higher Education and What It Means for Students by Jeffrey Sailing.
Emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend has resurfaced, claiming he wants to re-connect because I am one of the nicest parts he's ever had about living in the Bay Area (fucking duh- I'm awesome). All overtures thus far point to this being code for "I'd like to have a sexual relationship with you until I'm deported back to or I willingly leave the U.S. to go back to El Salvador (which ever comes first). whaddya say?" I say, "That's gonna be a nah from me brah. Nothing about any of that is appealing."
Went to the W. Kamu Bell's Playlist with the Oakland Symphony at the breathtaking Paramount Theater (one of my fav venues).
3. Went to the Women's March and of course I kicked it with the Sister's of Perpetual Indulgence as we marched, chanted and then saw some wonderful signs.
A long standing periodontal infection (which is the clinical name for an infection of the gums) that I didn't know I had may have entered my bloodstream. Through the blessings of knowing people in the dental profession I was able to be examined today by a very kind provider who is clearly not in dentistry for the money and clearly loves what they do and their patients. They examined me and told me what I needed to do, wrote me two prescriptions (in the event my insurance wouldn't cover one) and sent me on my way.
It's 8:00 p.m. and I am in bed. With a fever. The right side of my face feels like it's on fire.
I was told that if my body does not respond to the antibiotics by Monday, to go to the ER and request and IV drip with antibiotics.
To help my gums heal I will need to be on a soft food diet for the next ten days.
Television goes great with fevers and comfortable beds.
Today I disabled my Facebook and Instagram accounts.
I deleted the Facebook, Instagram, Regram and Twitter apps from my phone.
Given that I can't remember the answer to security questions on websites trying to log back in may require password resets.
My goal is to stay away until the end of June.
I kept Snapchat, because only its the primary way for me to communicate with my sisters. More than text. And I was rewarded with a corgi Bitmoji filter that I nearly lost my mind over.
You don't know this about me, but I love dogs. I don't know how to turn loving dogs into a viable career. But I do. It's ridiculous.
Part of the reason for this break up is the full on admittance that I am addicted to conflict. And I am addicted to being emotionally abusive towards myself (and it spills out to others that I claim to care about). And social media provides plenty of opportunities for that. And after researching the effects of being chronically angry, I will die an early death if I don't knock it off.
Gatekeeper, by Jessie Reyez dropped on Soundcloud about eight months ago, alongside this short film (posted to May 10, 2017 on YouTube) about her direct experience with a big time producer who tried to exploit her (which inspired the song).
CW: visual sexual harassment, intimidation, verbal abuse, mild violence.
Towards the end of the video, Jesse touches on something very real for many folks who are in vulnerable positions and that is when someone has power to destroy you and your dreams.
"You don't want your dream to slip through your fingers." She tries to frame the reasoning for some of her actions in her being young and dumb. But it's not just that.
A lot of things can cause someone to not want their dream to slip through their fingers or to put their trust in a wolf in sheeps clothing. It can be a dream for yourself or a dream for your family, age has very little to do with it. For the purpose of this blog I want to stick to recent movements in the entertainment industry to try to rectify the destruction of the dreams of the vulnerable who are trying to pursue their dreams. I want to be very pointed when I talk about who are the most vulnerable in this narrative, and they are women of color, young women of color, queer and transgender folk and if these trans and LGBT folk are of color they are exceptionally vulnerable. Historically, in all aspects of the world these folks have held less value than white women. How true is this? Very. The easiest example: #metoo
I hope you are familiar with the #metoo hashtag. It took the internet by storm last fall. Its origin story is very simple. The message of Me Too was created by Tarana Burke back in 2006. It was reapporpriated by Alyssa Milano after the Harvey Weinstein stories broke last fall and more recently has been taken up by Rose McGowen who just signed a deal with E! Hollywood for a reality show (gross as it is the epitome of White Feminism). TIME magazine did the ultimate fail when they put whistleblowers on the cover as their person of the year but failed to include Burke, instead opting for the the more visible (and White Feminist icon extraordinaire) Taylor Swift, whose lawsuit was hailed as a landmark for women the world over (but people were grossly silent in supporting singer Ke$ha in her longterm battle against producer Dr. Luke). And if you look at the montage images of the women how have come forward against Weinstein, and indeed many of the prolific "misconduct" men in Hollywood- they are overwhelmingly white.
In a video published by The Root, Gabrielle Union-Wade discussed how despite women of color lodged complaints in Hollywood for decades, it took the "pain of Hollywood white royalty" to produce the "perfect victim" (which is true in so many assault narratives, as evidenced by character witnesses being called to testify). It was the white Hollywood royalty who were worthy of justice, not the decades of women of color who came before them.
I would like to expand upon this and say that the white Hollywood royalty came forward (and those that continue to) did so when they were established and secure in their positions and roles. It was at this point in their careers they did not face the same consequences of having their dreams slip through their fingers. No, they had achieved their dreams. They have amassed power, respect and various kinds of capital which allows them to come forward and raise their voice. As evidenced but the latest Time's Up campaign.
But Jesse raised her voice before white Hollywood royalty did. Women of color and their communities have long raised their voices seeking justice for sexual exploitation committed against them and their communities. In the rare instance that avenues of justice are made available to them, women of color face excruciating scrutiny in a process that already believes that the victim is lying (Anita Hill comes to mind, and her perpetrator is a Supreme Court Justice).
Women in the R.Kelly sex cult spoke up, and while it hurt R.Kelly's ticket sales, causing him to cancel a tour- the movement to help those women has not awakened the world en masse. I myself even recall having conversations about my disgust at R.Kelly but failed to even ask "Is anyone caring for the women?" Of course, it gets complicated when the idea of consent enters the picture versus Stockholm syndrome, age, etc. But these should not be excuses from asking the questions or intervention.
Now I am not speaking from an white savior position of "we have to save these poor women of color! They are being exploited by an evil black man!" I'm speaking from a reality that as a society we do not value women of color to the same degree we do white women and white purity. There is a term for it, it's called misogynoir. But this will be a separate blog entry entirely because there is a lot to be said about it... a lot already has been said about it.
WOMEN AS GATEKEEPERS AND MEN WHO ARE NOT
A friend of mine was writing a paper about the Weinstein scandal and #metoo for a film class. Because my degree is in Feminist Studies (yes, it literally says that on the paper) they asked me for help. After some discussion I asked them what they thought the solution to the "problem" would be. They said "To hire more women."
"Well...that's a bit sexist don't you think? I mean. Have you considered all the different ways that women contribute to the problem?"
They had not.
One of the lies of patriarchy is that men have an insatiable lust and cannot control themselves, and are violent creatures. Patriarchy tells us that men are trash. Patriarchy supposes that women will support each other. Women don't tear each other down, don't slut shame or body shame or practice elements of misogyny or violence. But this is not true.
Harassment and oppression are not a mathematical equations. You don't take out garbage and replace it with recycling. Because recycling is just selected bits of garbage that has been somehow deemed to have more value, rinsed out and placed into a different container. It's more effective to take out all the garbage and reimagine the entire system. In other words, a culture shift. This requires changes by everyone.
There is a critical moment in Jesse's video that shows how women contribute to being gatekeepers, and that not all men are trash. This happens when the woman who took her to meet the producers tell her, "I thought you knew," and goes on to explain that sex in exchange for a chance to record is "part of the game" (barf). The driver of the producer (male) undercuts it all and tells Jesse, "No it's not. You're fine."
#TIMESUP
A lot of folks will be self-congratulating over their participation in the "Time's Up Now" at the Golden Globes. I would caution you on thinking that wearing black, making a donation or rocking a pin somehow is enough (I'm looking at you Justin Timberlake). The website has some resources for folks, if you're interested.
Consider this:
-After awareness comes the work and the action.
-The works is eduction.
-And after education is action.
-Action is more than wearing black and donating money.
What will become critical as we move forward (in addition to education) is listening to the voices that have been historically marginalized, and those that continue to be marginalized.
I am referring to the folks who are the most vulnerable and therefore, the most easily exploitable. It is critical that we hear them, believe them and support the removal of gatekeepers in all their forms. These gatekeepers may be people we know. It is EVEN MORE CRITICAL that we educate ourselves (and not at the emotional expense of the vulnerable or victimized) of the many ways exploitation can manifest.
This work will be uncomfortable.
Websites to start your education:
I would invite you to start first and foremost with examining your position of power via the safety pin box project. This project is primarily geared towards race relations, however it can be a really powerful tool to help identify power differentials that you encounter every day through various dimensions (economic, racial, faith based, ableist, etc). Being able to identify the different ways you have power can help you identify the different ways you leverage your power to make space for others. A lot of folks don't think they have power or privilege and this website and the exercises will show you how you do.
Ms Burke's Me Too website https://metoomvmt.org BTW- Can you believe neither Natalie Portman NOR America Ferrera invited Tarana Burke as their guest? I mean, Ms. Burke was the springboard for their campaign and I think that is in poor form. But whatever. I'll have to explain another day why it is problematic. Ms Burke was invited to the party as a guest of Michelle Williams.
The Lean In website on sexual harassmenthttps://leanin.org/sexual-harassment/ I thought it was worth including because it has resources for male and transgender and LGBT victims of harassment who are so often overlooked in narratives of abuse.
CLOSING THOUGHTS: BE KIND TO YOURSELF AND DON'T GET CAUGHT IN THE TRAP
As we educate ourselves we will be reminded of times when we didn't say something, and we may feel shame. But now is not the time to fall into the trappings of shame that often times accompany identifying new-found culpability that then paralyzes us from taking further action. It is important that we move past shame and reflect so that we can prepare ourselves to speak up and in those moments that we do speak up.
We will have false starts and missteps.
We will have moments that we recall where we realized that we failed to act, but all of that is not fodder for beating ourselves up and opting out of future action.
If anything theses experiences are information that allow us to identify patterns that we can identify actionable moments when they arrive again.
This song and Lido Pimienta (the powerful visual artist featured in this video) came to me at the end of a dream I had this morning, where I was in between aisles of imprisoned fish.
Inga Musico once about how when she gave up television vivid dreams began to return to her. And when she travelled and televisions were in her hotel rooms, if she did not cover them they would steal her dreams. In other words she would not remember her dreams when screens were present.
It might sound a little crazy, but for months I rarely had a dream that I remembered. I wold awake with songs in my head, but no visuals. And certainly no story to tell with the visuals. For a long time I thought it was because of the medication I take to manage my bipolar disorder, but when I awoke this morning I thought of Inga's words and I have not read that book in easily 15 years.
The few dreams I have had that have been ones that have ripped me from sleep in terror.
I have always loved dreaming. Preferring it at times in my life to being awake- as the weightlessness of dreams and limitlessness of capabilities have offered reprieve from this world. And I am a chronic daydreamer, often times preferring to be in conversation in my head with people that I long to have close to me as we walk through places that I hold with great affection. As a child I would often drift away from where I was, usually to the disappointment of the adults who were trying to capture my attention.
I hope to be able to have more dreams and record them privately, sharing only the songs with you as they come to me.
And just an FYI, Roxane Gay's book makes me want to stay up all night on the couch with her reading. I haven't felt that way about a book in a while.
It's been four calendar days and tonight was my first night of longing for your anesthetizing presence.
I will confess that today at work, at the suggestion of my boss, I consumed you in full view and alongside my coworkers. As you recall, that was the one of the conditions in which it was permissible to invite you back into my world and it is so soon after leaving you that it seemed second nature to drink you in, and I did.
Five hours were given to you.
During commercial breaks I did minor work related productions of sending emails, but I know you don't care about that.
Like an recently spurned lover, you only wish to know how I had come to crave you this evening, and how intensely those cravings were. You wish to know only how this longing translates into suffering in you absence, my love.
**CONTENT WARNING: Discussions of sexual assault, misconduct and rape.**
Welcome to 2018!
I hope your New Year celebrations were...well....I hope they were whatever it is that you hoped they would be.
I personally,chose to not go out. This was not out of any moral superiority but rather a deficit in the discretionary funds in my bank account (ha!). I stayed in and posted lots of stories to Instagram and Snapchat. And in the first hour of 2018 I did what I said I would do and that is to take the necessary steps to begin this journey of "NO T.V. in 2018."
Evidentiary support to this claim can be found in this video below:
Video content (for accessibility): my T.V., DVD player, Roku box and all my DVDs are packed away in a dark hole about four feet deep and behind a large blue plastic storage bin that is about two feet high and three feet deep. The contents of this storage bin are of sentimental value and by extension, are infinitely more valuable than the electronics stored behind them. I also cancelled my Netflix account. Music by Jasmine Janai: Discretion
I discovered that I somehow still owned a copy of Woody Allen's Scoop. Given Allen's questionable relationship with his stepdaughter and his shitty statements in response to the Weinstein allegations in which he essentially asked for people to disregard the experiences of the women involved (Allen dismisses them as "poor women") in favor of compassion for the perpetrator, I threw the DVD in the trash. And yes, I know that Allen tried to clarify his statements, claiming ignorance to the severity of the allegations (how fucking nice it must be to not have to consider or be aware of such things) but I still refuse to support him.
I want to explain why I refuse to support him. For me, when someone dismisses the experiences of victims, and asks for the humanity of the perpetrator to be prioritized, that person is an apologist for the misconduct. By being an apologist you are saying that the experiences of the victim is secondary to remorse, so-called illness or humanity of the perpetrator and it forces people to focus on the perpetrator rather than the victim. Usually, victims are bullied, shamed and discredited making it very difficult for them to come forward. And depending on the gender of the victim there can be deep social stigma that makes it impossible for them to come forward at all based on how they see others in society or in various circle (close or distant family or social circles) being responded to when coming forward- or even treated with regards to discussions about sex or sexual agency.
This apologist narrative forces me to pose these question, "Why is the humanity of the perpetrator so much more important than that of their victim? Why was the humanity of the victim not considered important enough to not engage in the assault, and why is the humanity of the victim not considered worthy of love, support, compassion, understanding and care once they came forward? Why is the perpetrator deserving of these things over the victim?"
That's some fucked up shit. And a line I don't tow.
