A Break Up Letter

My Dearest U,

I can not. 

I cannot be your lover. 

Not even in the most casual of meanings of the word. 

Because I do not want to. 

I do not want to risk an emotional investment on which there will only be negative returns, because at any moment you will disappear- deported back to your home country. Or you will voluntarily leave. And as I have said, no matter the state of our relationship when this happens- your absence will cause me pain and I will miss you. 

I have no intention of being your partner. 

I have no intention of following you home. 

And I have no desire to become your wife. 

By involving myself with you sexually you are asking me to keep a part of myself available to you, and the way that my heart is constructed that will foreclose me to recognizing someone who will be more fulfilling and sustaining to me in the ways I want.

I want to be in love.

I want a partner. 

And you are not this person.

I need to be open to that person when they come along.

I want to be open when that person comes along. 

I ask that if you care for me as you say you do, that you hold your desire for me close to your heart and remain friends with me.

We can share meals, go to the movies, talk and laugh as we do so well together- but do not hold my hand. Do not try to kiss me or sway me into your arms. 

I will hold any desire that may arise for you close to my heart. 

I will not hold your hand, or kiss you or try to sway you into my arms. 

I will continue to be a friend to you, because that is all I can offer you. 

Lovingly,

S