The Gatekeepers, #metoo, and Time's Up

Gatekeeper, by Jessie Reyez dropped on Soundcloud about eight months ago, alongside this short film (posted to May 10, 2017 on YouTube) about her direct experience with a big time producer who tried to exploit her (which inspired the song).

CW: visual sexual harassment, intimidation, verbal abuse, mild violence.


Towards the end of the video, Jesse touches on something very real for many folks who are in vulnerable positions and that is when someone has power to destroy you and your dreams.
"You don't want your dream to slip through your fingers." She tries to frame the reasoning for some of her actions in her being young and dumb. But it's not just that.
A lot of things can cause someone to not want their dream to slip through their fingers or to put their trust in a wolf in sheeps clothing. It can be a dream for yourself or a dream for your family, age has very little to do with it.  For the purpose of this blog I want to stick to recent movements in the entertainment industry to try to rectify the destruction of the dreams of the vulnerable who are trying to pursue their dreams. I want to be very pointed when I talk about who are the most vulnerable in this narrative, and they are women of color, young women of color, queer and transgender folk and if these trans and LGBT folk are of color they are exceptionally vulnerable. Historically, in all aspects of the world these folks have held less value than white women.
How true is this? Very.  
The easiest example: #metoo
I hope you are familiar with the #metoo hashtag. It took the internet by storm last fall. Its origin story is very simple. The message of Me Too was created by Tarana Burke back in 2006. It was reapporpriated by Alyssa Milano after the Harvey Weinstein stories broke last fall and more recently has been taken up by Rose McGowen who just signed a deal with E! Hollywood for a reality show (gross as it is the epitome of White Feminism). TIME magazine did the ultimate fail when they put whistleblowers on the cover as their person of the year but failed to include Burke, instead opting for the the more visible (and White Feminist icon extraordinaire) Taylor Swift, whose lawsuit was hailed as a landmark for women the world over (but people were grossly silent in supporting singer Ke$ha in her longterm battle against producer Dr. Luke). And if you look at the montage images of the women how have come forward against Weinstein, and indeed many of the prolific "misconduct" men in Hollywood- they are overwhelmingly white.

In a video published by The Root, Gabrielle Union-Wade discussed how despite women of color lodged complaints in Hollywood for decades, it took the "pain of Hollywood white royalty" to produce the "perfect victim" (which is true in so many assault narratives, as evidenced by character witnesses being called to testify). It was the white Hollywood royalty who were worthy of justice, not the decades of women of color who came before them.
I would like to expand upon this and say that the white Hollywood royalty came forward (and those that continue to) did so when they were established and secure in their positions and roles. It was at this point in their careers they did not face the same consequences of having their dreams slip through their fingers. No, they had achieved their dreams. They have amassed power, respect and various kinds of capital which allows them to come forward and raise their voice. As evidenced but the latest Time's Up campaign.

But Jesse raised her voice before white Hollywood royalty did. Women of color and their communities have long raised their voices seeking justice for sexual exploitation committed against them and their communities. In the rare instance that avenues of justice are made available to them, women of color face excruciating scrutiny in a process that already believes that the victim is lying (Anita Hill comes to mind, and her perpetrator is a Supreme Court Justice).

Women in the R.Kelly sex cult spoke up, and while it hurt R.Kelly's ticket sales, causing him to cancel a tour- the movement to help those women has not awakened the world en masse. I myself even recall having conversations about my disgust at R.Kelly but failed to even ask "Is anyone caring for the women?" Of course, it gets complicated when the idea of consent enters the picture versus Stockholm syndrome, age, etc. But these should not be excuses from asking the questions or intervention.

Now I am not speaking from an white savior position of "we have to save these poor women of color! They are being exploited by an evil black man!" I'm speaking from a reality that as a society we do not value women of color to the same degree we do white women and white purity. There is a term for it, it's called misogynoir. But this will be a separate blog entry entirely because there is a lot to be said about it... a lot already has been said about it.

WOMEN AS GATEKEEPERS AND MEN WHO ARE NOT

A friend of mine was writing a paper about the Weinstein scandal and #metoo for a film class. Because my degree is in Feminist Studies (yes, it literally says that on the paper) they asked me for help. After some discussion I asked them what they thought the solution to the "problem" would be. They said "To hire more women." 

"Well...that's a bit sexist don't you think? I mean. Have you considered all the different ways that women contribute to the problem?" 

They had not.

One of the lies of patriarchy is that men have an insatiable lust and cannot control themselves, and are violent creatures. Patriarchy tells us that men are trash. Patriarchy supposes that women will support each other. Women don't tear each other down, don't slut shame or body shame or practice elements of misogyny or violence. But this is not true.

Harassment and oppression are not a mathematical equations. You don't take out garbage and replace it with recycling. Because recycling is just selected bits of garbage that has been somehow deemed to have more value, rinsed out and placed into a different container. It's more effective to take out all the garbage and reimagine the entire system. In other words, a culture shift. This requires changes by everyone.

There is a critical moment in Jesse's video that shows how women contribute to being gatekeepers, and that not all men are trash. This happens when the woman who took her to meet the producers tell her, "I thought you knew," and goes on to explain that sex in exchange for a chance to record is "part of the game" (barf). The driver of the producer (male) undercuts it all and tells Jesse, "No it's not. You're fine." 

#TIMESUP

A lot of folks will be self-congratulating over their participation in the "Time's Up Now"  at the Golden Globes. I would caution you on thinking that wearing black, making a donation or rocking a pin somehow is enough (I'm looking at you Justin Timberlake). The website has some resources for folks, if you're interested. 

Consider this: 

-After awareness comes the work and the action. 

-The works is eduction. 

-And after education is action. 

-Action is more than wearing black and donating money.

What will become critical as we move forward (in addition to education) is listening to the voices that have been historically marginalized, and those that continue to be marginalized. 

I am referring to the folks who are the most vulnerable and therefore, the most easily exploitable. It is critical that we hear them, believe them and support the removal of gatekeepers in all their forms. These gatekeepers may be people we know. It is EVEN MORE CRITICAL that we educate ourselves (and not at the emotional expense of the vulnerable or victimized) of the many ways exploitation can manifest. 

This work will be uncomfortable. 

Websites to start your education: 

• I would invite you to start first and foremost with examining your position of power via the safety pin box project. This project is primarily geared towards race relations, however it can be a really powerful tool to help identify power differentials that you encounter every day through various dimensions (economic, racial, faith based, ableist, etc). Being able to identify the different ways you have power can help you identify the different ways you leverage your power to make space for others. A lot of folks don't think they have power or privilege and this website and the exercises will show you how you do. 
• Ms Burke's Me Too website  https://metoomvmt.org  BTW- Can you believe neither Natalie Portman NOR America Ferrera invited Tarana Burke as their guest? I mean, Ms. Burke was the springboard for their campaign and I think that is in poor form. But whatever. I'll have to explain another day why it is problematic. Ms Burke was invited to the party as a guest of Michelle Williams.

• The Lean In website on sexual harassment  https://leanin.org/sexual-harassment/ I thought it was worth including because it has resources for male and transgender  and LGBT victims of harassment who are so often overlooked in narratives of abuse. 

CLOSING THOUGHTS: BE KIND TO YOURSELF AND DON'T GET CAUGHT IN THE TRAP

As we educate ourselves we will be reminded of times when we didn't say something, and we may feel shame. But now is not the time to fall into the trappings of shame that often times accompany identifying new-found culpability that then paralyzes us from taking further action. It is important that we move past shame and reflect so that we can prepare ourselves to speak up and in those moments that we do speak up. 

We will have false starts and missteps. 

We will have moments that we recall where we realized that we failed to act, but all of that is not fodder for beating ourselves up and opting out of future action. 

If anything theses experiences are information that allow us to identify patterns that we can identify actionable moments when they arrive again. 

Because they will arise again. 

She Looked Me In The Eyes- Music by A Tribe Called Red

This song and Lido Pimienta (the powerful visual artist featured in this video) came to me at the end of a dream I had this morning, where I was in between aisles of imprisoned fish.



Inga Musico once about how when she gave up television vivid dreams began to return to her. And when she travelled and televisions were in her hotel rooms, if she did not cover them they would steal her dreams. In other words she would not remember her dreams when screens were present.



It might sound a little crazy, but for months I rarely had a dream that I remembered. I wold awake with songs in my head, but no visuals. And certainly no story to tell with the visuals. For a long time I thought it was because of the medication I take to manage my bipolar disorder, but when I awoke this morning I thought of Inga's words and I have not read that book in easily 15 years.



The few dreams I have had that have been ones that have ripped me from sleep in terror.



I have always loved dreaming. Preferring it at times in my life to being awake- as the weightlessness of dreams and limitlessness of capabilities have offered reprieve from this world. And I am a chronic daydreamer, often times preferring to be in conversation in my head with people that I long to have close to me as we walk through places that I hold with great affection. As a child I would often drift away from where I was, usually to the disappointment of the adults who were trying to capture my attention.



I hope to be able to have more dreams and record them privately, sharing only the songs with you as they come to me.



And just an FYI, Roxane Gay's book makes me want to stay up all night on the couch with her reading. I haven't felt that way about a book in a while.

The First Longing

Dear T.V.,

It's been four calendar days and tonight was my first night of longing for your anesthetizing presence.

I will confess that today at work, at the suggestion of my boss, I consumed you in full view and alongside my coworkers. As you recall, that was the one of the conditions in which it was permissible to invite you back into my world and it is so soon after leaving you that it seemed second nature to drink you in, and I did.

Five hours were given to you.

During commercial breaks I did minor work related productions of sending emails, but I know you don't care about that.

Like an recently spurned lover, you only wish to know how I had come to crave you this evening, and how intensely those cravings were. You wish to know only how this longing translates into suffering in you absence, my love.

Welcome to 2018! The first 48.

**CONTENT WARNING: Discussions of sexual assault, misconduct and rape.**

Welcome to 2018! 

I hope your New Year celebrations were...well....I hope they were whatever it is that you hoped they would be. 

I personally,chose to not go out. This was not out of any moral superiority but rather a deficit in the discretionary funds in my bank account (ha!). I stayed in and posted lots of stories to Instagram and Snapchat. And in the first hour of 2018 I did what I said I would do and that is to take the necessary steps to begin this journey of "NO T.V. in 2018." 

Evidentiary support to this claim can be found in this video below: 

Video content (for accessibility): my T.V., DVD player, Roku box and all my DVDs are packed away in a dark hole about four feet deep and behind a large blue plastic storage bin that is about two feet high and three feet deep. The contents of this storage bin are of sentimental value and by extension, are infinitely more valuable than the electronics stored behind them. I also cancelled my Netflix account. Music by Jasmine Janai: Discretion

I discovered that I somehow still owned a copy of Woody Allen's Scoop. Given Allen's questionable relationship with his stepdaughter and his shitty statements in response to the Weinstein allegations in which he essentially asked for people to disregard the experiences of the women involved (Allen dismisses them as "poor women")  in favor of compassion for the perpetrator, I threw the DVD in the trash. And yes, I know that Allen tried to clarify his statements, claiming ignorance to the severity of the allegations (how fucking nice it must be to not have to consider or be aware of such things) but I still refuse to support him. 

I want to explain why I refuse to support him. For me, when someone dismisses the experiences of victims, and asks for the humanity of the perpetrator to be prioritized, that person is an apologist for the misconduct. By being an apologist you are saying that the experiences of the victim is secondary to remorse, so-called illness or humanity of the perpetrator and it forces people to focus on the perpetrator rather than the victim. Usually, victims are bullied, shamed and discredited making it very difficult for them to come forward. And depending on the gender of the victim there can be deep social stigma that makes it impossible for them to come forward at all based on how they see others in society or in various circle (close or distant family or social circles) being responded to when coming forward- or even treated with regards to discussions about sex or sexual agency. 

This apologist narrative forces me to pose these question, "Why is the humanity of the perpetrator so much more important than that of their victim? Why was the humanity of the victim not considered important enough to not engage in the assault, and why is the humanity of the victim not considered worthy of love, support, compassion, understanding and care once they came forward? Why is the perpetrator deserving of these things over the victim?" 

That's some fucked up shit. And a line I don't tow. 

Period of Dreams

As 2017 draws to a close, I have been called on by m.O.G. to capitalize on the momentum of the moment that we as a society find ourselves in.

You know what I'm talking about, that hum that can only be found between the Christmas holiday and the New Year. Those moments that, even if you do not celebrate Christmas, possesses an energy that has everyone buzzing with excitement of newly acquired material objects and the anticipation of whats to come as we turn our gaze to the horizon where we look to the coming year with the hashtag "New Year, New Me!" on the precipice of every social media outlet, and the question of "Got any New Years resolutions?" on the lips of every friend and family member we meet.

Perhaps it is guilt from the obscene amount of intake, or perhaps it is the cultural expectation, there is no way of knowing. But we find ourselves pregnant with possibilities of who could become in the next year, and we glow with expectation and excitement. No matter the reason for this jubilation, laundry lists of resolutions begin to percolate in people's consciousness.

Being an empath, I historically have asked myself the question of New Year's resolutions aimed at revising habits on my birthday (in April), so as not to be too caught up in the energetic sea of almost hysterical and unrealistic expectations that can easily sweep one away as New Year's approaches.

That desire to "do it all!" that, while well intentioned, looks like this:
"I'm going to get up at four a.m. and run five miles a day! Whooo!"
When the current reality is that I can't even get out of bed before six-thirty on a good day and I could maybe run four city blocks before collapsing, and that would only be if I was being chased by a ravenous jaguar. (of course, why a ravenous jaguar would be running after me, I can only guess- but my hypothetical doesn't have to make 100% sense). I, like so many, unintentionally set myself up for failure and in that aim, I succeed.

"Experts" on goal setting (and I don't mean the kind who set the posts for the NFL- they're not experts, they just are good with a measuring tape), suggest that when setting goals that you engage in a very specific set of steps to insure success.

Step One is taking stock in your life, and set your big goal. 

Step Two is then setting small, specific and realistic goals designed to support the big goal.

Step Three is then revisiting and adjusting your goals often, ideally to make them more challenging as you gain traction toward achieving the big goal.

So, starting with the advice of the so-called experts, and honoring the commitment I made to my Accountability Crew (hereafter called the AC Slaters... j/k... we'll just call them The Crew) let's start with the context of my life/why am I breaking up with TV.

1. Step One: Take Stock, Set Your Goal- Dear T.V., It's Not You, It's Me.  I love procrastinating. I loathe adulting (or executive functioning as some therapists will call it). Let me rephrase...I love procrastinating on things that I don't much care for. And T.V., you have been a wonderful distraction from any responsibility that I do not care to address. I have lost many a hour to the "just one more episode" lie that I knowingly tell myself. I get trapped in a cycle of self-loathing and frustration as I sift through the same old garbage trying to find something new and exciting to assuage whatever discomfort I am trying to get away from, or chore I wish to not do until I fall asleep and awake at an uncomfortable hour with the Roku screensaver bouncing back and forth across your visage. Then I do the 10 ft crawl of shame from the couch to my bed...and...I can't help but think that I could be making a better use of my time. I cannot rely on you as a crutch anymore. So...peace out. 
2. Step Two: Small Specific Goals- "What does it mean to break up with T.V.? (for me)" "Experts" say that you should make a list of small and specific goals of how to accomplish  your big goal and the meaning behind these smaller goals....so....for this goal, what specifically does the break up look like?: 


1. Pack up my T.V. & Roku box and store it in the garage where it is difficult to get to 
2. Delete the Netflix app on my phone
3. Cancel my Netflix and Hulu memberships
4. No streaming on Amazon (Keep Amazon Prime for book deliveries though)
5. Movie/show days days at work (yes we have those from time to time): participation is an exception
6. Purchase one of those containers with a digital timer lock on it for #7
7. When dog sitting at clients homes (my side gig) The temptation is real. So...this can be a chance to do some research for generating content for the Steering Change Brand, I will have to choose wisely and be honest. For each weekday that you are NOT IN SCHOOL and you spend at the house you get a 30 minute credit. For each weekend day, you get a one hour credit. The credits can only be used for: NEW COMEDY SPECIALS FROM COMEDIANS YOU LIKE- none of their TV shows (Sorry Aziz, Issa, Lena...etc. etc.) OR a documentary. But I have to continue the discipline of your regular routine. If I fall out of routine, I do not get credit for that day. To help keep me accountable, I will lock up the remotes using the container that I purchased and have a designated day and time when I will have access to the remotes. Once the show is over/time is used, remotes go back in the container until the next "screen time." When you are enrolled in school: 

8. I'll have to be vocal about restructuring my time with my friends to not include TV time.  
9. Movies at the movie theater or outdoor movie in the park events/screenings are allowed. However, this impacts my budget so I will have to plan accordingly.
10. YouTube viewing is only allowed if someone sends you a link. Viewing is limited to 15 minutes or longer for TED talks.
11. Required viewing of any kind for school is exempt from the above restrictions. however, it is preferred that I watch the content on my laptop, in the library since I won't have a TV anymore (it's in the garage, remember? MwahahahahaaHA) 😂

What am I hoping to gain from this break up? "Experts" ask you to reiterate the outcome for your super specific goals. Okay, the outcome is: Reclaiming my time. Thanks Auntie Maxie. 💕

But then "experts" say you gotta get specific about that too *eye roll.* Geesh. With all this specificity you'd think they'd want to make it actually work and have you actually succeed because you couldn't renegotiate through vague-a-tivity...(is that even a word?)...because no one's ever done that (side eye).  😉

So...one more time for the people in the back, my goal is:

RECLAIMING MY TIME. 

But what does that mean? 

If I'm really honest, I loose about 20 hours a week of productivity to television. 

20 hours A WEEK! 😲 

But it isn't as if turning off the TV and packing it away along with my Roku box will somehow make me a productive human being- turning off one switch doesn't flip on another one, that's not how it works. 

Productivity is a practice. 

And I am very much out of a good practice. And I am well versed in the practice of procrastination and distraction from emotional discomfort, and television has been a companion in this practice.

1. So, reclaiming my time in the material sense (what practices do I wish to rekindle) means: 
1. Reading more books
2. Writing more: about the books I read, shows I see, emotional things I experience, etc. 
3. Engaging in more intentional physical activity. Currently I walk about five miles a day...but this is just part of my commute and breaking up my work-day. But...I wish to build up my body to be strong again. This means:
1. Finding a fitness dance community, and actually doing more dance which is something that I am terrified to do. Connecting with my body in full view of other people...sober and in a structured environment!? 😬
2. Taking up cardio kickboxing again...maybe only twice a week, but it is a good physical outlet to get out the close and familiar emotion of rage that I have.
4. Creating more. This means drawing, cross-stitching, painting, coloring. Crafty-artsy stuff to gift to folks.
5. Developing content for the Steering Change brand, producing content on a bi-weekly basis. 
1. Content can be: 
1. Blog
2. Vlog
3. Lesson plan
6. Deepening and developing better relationships with human beings who are not toxic. And being okay with setting boundaries with those who are toxic if I am required to have them in my life (such as work relationships) and eliminating those who are toxic if I do not need to have them in my life. 
7. Learning Spanish using the Duolingo App & checking out books from the library. I can give 20 minutes a day to Spanish. 
2. Reclaiming my time on the personal/emotional sense means:
1. Keeping a personal emotional journal to process feelings
2. Abstain from marijuana consumption (TV and Mary Jane are super close friends)
3. Recommit to a vegan diet
4. When painful or uncomfortable feeling arises, do not run from them but rather sit with them and have a conversation with my discomfort and pain. Feel through them. Understand that they may return but work to heal the wounds that you carry
5. Allow myself to be vulnerable to others in my pain and ask for help
6. Do not use service to others as a distraction
7. Organize around my rage- (Transgender Day of Visibility Event, giving Thanks for 500 Days of Resistance Conference/Festival, DREAMERS in Business Speakers Event) 
8. Actively heal from habits and patterns of insecurity through daily affirmations & positive self talk
9. Remain inentionally unpartnered as I do more active healing from the abusive relationship I have with myself. 🙊

Whoa- seems like a tall order...but don't worry. The personal stuff is stuff I have been casually working on for at least a year but have managed to opt out of when things are unpleasant and fall into distraction, and I will say that TV has been the largest distraction that I've noticed in the past year. But I will occasionally talk about feelings, I am a deeply emotional person. I am a woman with bipolar disorder, ADHD, anxiety and PTSD. I try to use humor to deflect when I am feeling uncomfortable-and sometimes I'm hilarious...sometimes I just make other people uncomfortable. 

This blog will run the gamut of content, and if you find things that are useful that is great- I invite you to take them with you and if you don't and you have things you wish to share that you feel will advance the conversation, I welcome your feedback. 

Thank you for reading and I wish you the best of the remainder of the year and welcome you in the 2018- NEW YEAR, NEW YOU!