Is this the beginning?

Cooking reminds me that I am capable of taking care of myself and worthy of taking of and nourishing myself. - Roxane Gay Hunger:  A Memoir of (My) Body

I love walking into my tiny apartment and being greeted with the smell of chopped red onions. I don't know why it is red onions over other onions but I love the smell of red onions.

This evening as I was preparing a meal to go into my Crock Pot I discovered I did not have one critical liquid ingredient. This discovery forced me into the unseasonably warm evening to the nearest hippie-dippie-whole-food-patchouli-slinging-store to get what I needed (the ingredient was gluten-free soy sauce; judge away).  It worked out because I also needed some ginger powder and I was craving some sorbet.

I walked to the store, wearing a too heavy a coat for the evening, because silly me thought that with it being February in San Francisco and less than ten blocks from the ocean it might be cold out and I was uncomfortably mistaken.

Items acquired-I as able to hop on MUNI and get back to my lovely smelling apartment. Walking into  olfactory joy, I thought of Ms. Gay's quote about cooking. I recognize, for the multineenth time in my adult life that I don't cook for myself. Proof of this lies not only in the fact that I do not have a "proper kitchen" but in the fact that I had to wash off the dust from my Crock Pot and wash out dead bugs from the bowl. Yes, you read that correctly, dead bugs from the bowl. I hadn't used it in definitely over a year.

For the better part of a year I have been using a meal delivery service and going out to eat a lot. I say part of this is that I don't have a stove or oven in my kitchen (simply a sink and a small counter), but the truth is I have a certain degree of disordered eating. I do not mean to take away from the suffering that people experience from clinically diagnosed disordered eating. I'm only talking of my experience of eating.

I do not have a clinical sense of disordered eating. I just don't eat regularly scheduled meals, and I have no sense of appropriate meal sized portions. I don't know how to take care of myself in this sense. I LOVE to snack or eat sides. I am addicted to snack foods and will easily use snack foods or side dishes as meal replacements. And even since becoming a vegan I still do this- and it is almost easier to do this because the excuse of "oh they don't have anything I can eat so I'll just eat these seven different sides instead." I only say it is disordered because I see how folks around me eat, and I definitely don't eat like them. More often than not I eat to assuage the anxiety of the moment.

In addition to not having a "proper kitchen" I do have some strange diet restrictions. I am a Gluten Free-Vegan. This isn't for ethical reasons. It's for allergen reasons. It makes my body happy. And actually I don't have to justify why I eat the way I eat. Given this dietary complicated (and often times expensive) intersection my lovely friends will send me recipes of things to cook. Super plus bonus when it involves one of the appliances that I own, such as a CrockPot. A few days ago one of my beloveds sent me a Vegan/Gluten Free recipe for Kung Pao Chickpeas and that is what is making my studio smell delicious as I write this.

The past few days have been really difficult. I woke up at 2 a.m. on Wednesday night/Thursday morning and I felt..heavy. The kind of heavy one feels when they're grieving. I know this feeling. My mind raced with thoughts I could see but couldn't catch. I was overwhelmingly sad and terrified that I might have to miss work the next day.

"Fuuuuucccccck." I thought. I knew this was coming. I could feel it following me. And then I was sick. For hours- I was sick.

Eventually I was able to get back to sleep.

For two days I did not go to work. I could not. Anything more than riding the train to get coffee was exhausting. I struggled to remain focused long enough to read, and some books were easier than others. My couch provided incredible full body hugs, because the idea of lying in bed shamed me immensely. But I slept....a lot. Or I just laid there with my eyes closed- avoiding most people.

Last night, a friend came over.
"You know what would be good right now?"
"What?"
"Your TV with some DVDs"
"I'm not watching TV." (silence) "But there is YouTube and there is my phone. And I feel like this could be and addendum to the original contract."

He showed me comedy from El Salvador. We laughed.
I showed him Bad Lip Reading Videos. We laughed.

I was smiling enough that we took some Snapchat pictures together with silly filters. I don't think in all the time we have been friends we had ever done that. I was grateful.

I feel very good today and I know well enough to capitalize on the momentum of good feels but to still be gentle with myself. I felt good enough to attend a volunteer info session, go grocery shopping (twice) and throw chopped ingredients into a Crock Pot and call it cooking. This front-loading of self care will pay off when I have frozen food and can't fathom knowing what to eat or cooking. I hope to have a good day tomorrow for another dish (Coconut Curry) and laundry.

Historically, February to the beginning of April I suffer a depressive episode. I have good days and bad weeks.

I have a fairly good medication regiment. And this is the first Feb-April stretch that I've been vegan, which (not to get preachy) for me--And I speak ONLY for me-- I have noticed makes a difference in making episodes less intense. So...let's see how the ride this time around goes.

Thanks for reading.

She Looked Me In The Eyes- Music by A Tribe Called Red

This song and Lido Pimienta (the powerful visual artist featured in this video) came to me at the end of a dream I had this morning, where I was in between aisles of imprisoned fish.



Inga Musico once about how when she gave up television vivid dreams began to return to her. And when she travelled and televisions were in her hotel rooms, if she did not cover them they would steal her dreams. In other words she would not remember her dreams when screens were present.



It might sound a little crazy, but for months I rarely had a dream that I remembered. I wold awake with songs in my head, but no visuals. And certainly no story to tell with the visuals. For a long time I thought it was because of the medication I take to manage my bipolar disorder, but when I awoke this morning I thought of Inga's words and I have not read that book in easily 15 years.



The few dreams I have had that have been ones that have ripped me from sleep in terror.



I have always loved dreaming. Preferring it at times in my life to being awake- as the weightlessness of dreams and limitlessness of capabilities have offered reprieve from this world. And I am a chronic daydreamer, often times preferring to be in conversation in my head with people that I long to have close to me as we walk through places that I hold with great affection. As a child I would often drift away from where I was, usually to the disappointment of the adults who were trying to capture my attention.



I hope to be able to have more dreams and record them privately, sharing only the songs with you as they come to me.



And just an FYI, Roxane Gay's book makes me want to stay up all night on the couch with her reading. I haven't felt that way about a book in a while.

Period of Dreams

As 2017 draws to a close, I have been called on by m.O.G. to capitalize on the momentum of the moment that we as a society find ourselves in.

You know what I'm talking about, that hum that can only be found between the Christmas holiday and the New Year. Those moments that, even if you do not celebrate Christmas, possesses an energy that has everyone buzzing with excitement of newly acquired material objects and the anticipation of whats to come as we turn our gaze to the horizon where we look to the coming year with the hashtag "New Year, New Me!" on the precipice of every social media outlet, and the question of "Got any New Years resolutions?" on the lips of every friend and family member we meet.

Perhaps it is guilt from the obscene amount of intake, or perhaps it is the cultural expectation, there is no way of knowing. But we find ourselves pregnant with possibilities of who could become in the next year, and we glow with expectation and excitement. No matter the reason for this jubilation, laundry lists of resolutions begin to percolate in people's consciousness.

Being an empath, I historically have asked myself the question of New Year's resolutions aimed at revising habits on my birthday (in April), so as not to be too caught up in the energetic sea of almost hysterical and unrealistic expectations that can easily sweep one away as New Year's approaches.

That desire to "do it all!" that, while well intentioned, looks like this:
"I'm going to get up at four a.m. and run five miles a day! Whooo!"
When the current reality is that I can't even get out of bed before six-thirty on a good day and I could maybe run four city blocks before collapsing, and that would only be if I was being chased by a ravenous jaguar. (of course, why a ravenous jaguar would be running after me, I can only guess- but my hypothetical doesn't have to make 100% sense). I, like so many, unintentionally set myself up for failure and in that aim, I succeed.

"Experts" on goal setting (and I don't mean the kind who set the posts for the NFL- they're not experts, they just are good with a measuring tape), suggest that when setting goals that you engage in a very specific set of steps to insure success.

Step One is taking stock in your life, and set your big goal. 

Step Two is then setting small, specific and realistic goals designed to support the big goal.

Step Three is then revisiting and adjusting your goals often, ideally to make them more challenging as you gain traction toward achieving the big goal.

So, starting with the advice of the so-called experts, and honoring the commitment I made to my Accountability Crew (hereafter called the AC Slaters... j/k... we'll just call them The Crew) let's start with the context of my life/why am I breaking up with TV.

1. Step One: Take Stock, Set Your Goal- Dear T.V., It's Not You, It's Me.  I love procrastinating. I loathe adulting (or executive functioning as some therapists will call it). Let me rephrase...I love procrastinating on things that I don't much care for. And T.V., you have been a wonderful distraction from any responsibility that I do not care to address. I have lost many a hour to the "just one more episode" lie that I knowingly tell myself. I get trapped in a cycle of self-loathing and frustration as I sift through the same old garbage trying to find something new and exciting to assuage whatever discomfort I am trying to get away from, or chore I wish to not do until I fall asleep and awake at an uncomfortable hour with the Roku screensaver bouncing back and forth across your visage. Then I do the 10 ft crawl of shame from the couch to my bed...and...I can't help but think that I could be making a better use of my time. I cannot rely on you as a crutch anymore. So...peace out. 
2. Step Two: Small Specific Goals- "What does it mean to break up with T.V.? (for me)" "Experts" say that you should make a list of small and specific goals of how to accomplish  your big goal and the meaning behind these smaller goals....so....for this goal, what specifically does the break up look like?: 


1. Pack up my T.V. & Roku box and store it in the garage where it is difficult to get to 
2. Delete the Netflix app on my phone
3. Cancel my Netflix and Hulu memberships
4. No streaming on Amazon (Keep Amazon Prime for book deliveries though)
5. Movie/show days days at work (yes we have those from time to time): participation is an exception
6. Purchase one of those containers with a digital timer lock on it for #7
7. When dog sitting at clients homes (my side gig) The temptation is real. So...this can be a chance to do some research for generating content for the Steering Change Brand, I will have to choose wisely and be honest. For each weekday that you are NOT IN SCHOOL and you spend at the house you get a 30 minute credit. For each weekend day, you get a one hour credit. The credits can only be used for: NEW COMEDY SPECIALS FROM COMEDIANS YOU LIKE- none of their TV shows (Sorry Aziz, Issa, Lena...etc. etc.) OR a documentary. But I have to continue the discipline of your regular routine. If I fall out of routine, I do not get credit for that day. To help keep me accountable, I will lock up the remotes using the container that I purchased and have a designated day and time when I will have access to the remotes. Once the show is over/time is used, remotes go back in the container until the next "screen time." When you are enrolled in school: 

8. I'll have to be vocal about restructuring my time with my friends to not include TV time.  
9. Movies at the movie theater or outdoor movie in the park events/screenings are allowed. However, this impacts my budget so I will have to plan accordingly.
10. YouTube viewing is only allowed if someone sends you a link. Viewing is limited to 15 minutes or longer for TED talks.
11. Required viewing of any kind for school is exempt from the above restrictions. however, it is preferred that I watch the content on my laptop, in the library since I won't have a TV anymore (it's in the garage, remember? MwahahahahaaHA) 😂

What am I hoping to gain from this break up? "Experts" ask you to reiterate the outcome for your super specific goals. Okay, the outcome is: Reclaiming my time. Thanks Auntie Maxie. 💕

But then "experts" say you gotta get specific about that too *eye roll.* Geesh. With all this specificity you'd think they'd want to make it actually work and have you actually succeed because you couldn't renegotiate through vague-a-tivity...(is that even a word?)...because no one's ever done that (side eye).  😉

So...one more time for the people in the back, my goal is:

RECLAIMING MY TIME. 

But what does that mean? 

If I'm really honest, I loose about 20 hours a week of productivity to television. 

20 hours A WEEK! 😲 

But it isn't as if turning off the TV and packing it away along with my Roku box will somehow make me a productive human being- turning off one switch doesn't flip on another one, that's not how it works. 

Productivity is a practice. 

And I am very much out of a good practice. And I am well versed in the practice of procrastination and distraction from emotional discomfort, and television has been a companion in this practice.

1. So, reclaiming my time in the material sense (what practices do I wish to rekindle) means: 
1. Reading more books
2. Writing more: about the books I read, shows I see, emotional things I experience, etc. 
3. Engaging in more intentional physical activity. Currently I walk about five miles a day...but this is just part of my commute and breaking up my work-day. But...I wish to build up my body to be strong again. This means:
1. Finding a fitness dance community, and actually doing more dance which is something that I am terrified to do. Connecting with my body in full view of other people...sober and in a structured environment!? 😬
2. Taking up cardio kickboxing again...maybe only twice a week, but it is a good physical outlet to get out the close and familiar emotion of rage that I have.
4. Creating more. This means drawing, cross-stitching, painting, coloring. Crafty-artsy stuff to gift to folks.
5. Developing content for the Steering Change brand, producing content on a bi-weekly basis. 
1. Content can be: 
1. Blog
2. Vlog
3. Lesson plan
6. Deepening and developing better relationships with human beings who are not toxic. And being okay with setting boundaries with those who are toxic if I am required to have them in my life (such as work relationships) and eliminating those who are toxic if I do not need to have them in my life. 
7. Learning Spanish using the Duolingo App & checking out books from the library. I can give 20 minutes a day to Spanish. 
2. Reclaiming my time on the personal/emotional sense means:
1. Keeping a personal emotional journal to process feelings
2. Abstain from marijuana consumption (TV and Mary Jane are super close friends)
3. Recommit to a vegan diet
4. When painful or uncomfortable feeling arises, do not run from them but rather sit with them and have a conversation with my discomfort and pain. Feel through them. Understand that they may return but work to heal the wounds that you carry
5. Allow myself to be vulnerable to others in my pain and ask for help
6. Do not use service to others as a distraction
7. Organize around my rage- (Transgender Day of Visibility Event, giving Thanks for 500 Days of Resistance Conference/Festival, DREAMERS in Business Speakers Event) 
8. Actively heal from habits and patterns of insecurity through daily affirmations & positive self talk
9. Remain inentionally unpartnered as I do more active healing from the abusive relationship I have with myself. 🙊

Whoa- seems like a tall order...but don't worry. The personal stuff is stuff I have been casually working on for at least a year but have managed to opt out of when things are unpleasant and fall into distraction, and I will say that TV has been the largest distraction that I've noticed in the past year. But I will occasionally talk about feelings, I am a deeply emotional person. I am a woman with bipolar disorder, ADHD, anxiety and PTSD. I try to use humor to deflect when I am feeling uncomfortable-and sometimes I'm hilarious...sometimes I just make other people uncomfortable. 

This blog will run the gamut of content, and if you find things that are useful that is great- I invite you to take them with you and if you don't and you have things you wish to share that you feel will advance the conversation, I welcome your feedback. 

Thank you for reading and I wish you the best of the remainder of the year and welcome you in the 2018- NEW YEAR, NEW YOU!