Is this the beginning?

Cooking reminds me that I am capable of taking care of myself and worthy of taking of and nourishing myself. - Roxane Gay Hunger:  A Memoir of (My) Body

I love walking into my tiny apartment and being greeted with the smell of chopped red onions. I don't know why it is red onions over other onions but I love the smell of red onions.

This evening as I was preparing a meal to go into my Crock Pot I discovered I did not have one critical liquid ingredient. This discovery forced me into the unseasonably warm evening to the nearest hippie-dippie-whole-food-patchouli-slinging-store to get what I needed (the ingredient was gluten-free soy sauce; judge away).  It worked out because I also needed some ginger powder and I was craving some sorbet.

I walked to the store, wearing a too heavy a coat for the evening, because silly me thought that with it being February in San Francisco and less than ten blocks from the ocean it might be cold out and I was uncomfortably mistaken.

Items acquired-I as able to hop on MUNI and get back to my lovely smelling apartment. Walking into  olfactory joy, I thought of Ms. Gay's quote about cooking. I recognize, for the multineenth time in my adult life that I don't cook for myself. Proof of this lies not only in the fact that I do not have a "proper kitchen" but in the fact that I had to wash off the dust from my Crock Pot and wash out dead bugs from the bowl. Yes, you read that correctly, dead bugs from the bowl. I hadn't used it in definitely over a year.

For the better part of a year I have been using a meal delivery service and going out to eat a lot. I say part of this is that I don't have a stove or oven in my kitchen (simply a sink and a small counter), but the truth is I have a certain degree of disordered eating. I do not mean to take away from the suffering that people experience from clinically diagnosed disordered eating. I'm only talking of my experience of eating.

I do not have a clinical sense of disordered eating. I just don't eat regularly scheduled meals, and I have no sense of appropriate meal sized portions. I don't know how to take care of myself in this sense. I LOVE to snack or eat sides. I am addicted to snack foods and will easily use snack foods or side dishes as meal replacements. And even since becoming a vegan I still do this- and it is almost easier to do this because the excuse of "oh they don't have anything I can eat so I'll just eat these seven different sides instead." I only say it is disordered because I see how folks around me eat, and I definitely don't eat like them. More often than not I eat to assuage the anxiety of the moment.

In addition to not having a "proper kitchen" I do have some strange diet restrictions. I am a Gluten Free-Vegan. This isn't for ethical reasons. It's for allergen reasons. It makes my body happy. And actually I don't have to justify why I eat the way I eat. Given this dietary complicated (and often times expensive) intersection my lovely friends will send me recipes of things to cook. Super plus bonus when it involves one of the appliances that I own, such as a CrockPot. A few days ago one of my beloveds sent me a Vegan/Gluten Free recipe for Kung Pao Chickpeas and that is what is making my studio smell delicious as I write this.

The past few days have been really difficult. I woke up at 2 a.m. on Wednesday night/Thursday morning and I felt..heavy. The kind of heavy one feels when they're grieving. I know this feeling. My mind raced with thoughts I could see but couldn't catch. I was overwhelmingly sad and terrified that I might have to miss work the next day.

"Fuuuuucccccck." I thought. I knew this was coming. I could feel it following me. And then I was sick. For hours- I was sick.

Eventually I was able to get back to sleep.

For two days I did not go to work. I could not. Anything more than riding the train to get coffee was exhausting. I struggled to remain focused long enough to read, and some books were easier than others. My couch provided incredible full body hugs, because the idea of lying in bed shamed me immensely. But I slept....a lot. Or I just laid there with my eyes closed- avoiding most people.

Last night, a friend came over.
"You know what would be good right now?"
"What?"
"Your TV with some DVDs"
"I'm not watching TV." (silence) "But there is YouTube and there is my phone. And I feel like this could be and addendum to the original contract."

He showed me comedy from El Salvador. We laughed.
I showed him Bad Lip Reading Videos. We laughed.

I was smiling enough that we took some Snapchat pictures together with silly filters. I don't think in all the time we have been friends we had ever done that. I was grateful.

I feel very good today and I know well enough to capitalize on the momentum of good feels but to still be gentle with myself. I felt good enough to attend a volunteer info session, go grocery shopping (twice) and throw chopped ingredients into a Crock Pot and call it cooking. This front-loading of self care will pay off when I have frozen food and can't fathom knowing what to eat or cooking. I hope to have a good day tomorrow for another dish (Coconut Curry) and laundry.

Historically, February to the beginning of April I suffer a depressive episode. I have good days and bad weeks.

I have a fairly good medication regiment. And this is the first Feb-April stretch that I've been vegan, which (not to get preachy) for me--And I speak ONLY for me-- I have noticed makes a difference in making episodes less intense. So...let's see how the ride this time around goes.

Thanks for reading.

The Gatekeepers, #metoo, and Time's Up

Gatekeeper, by Jessie Reyez dropped on Soundcloud about eight months ago, alongside this short film (posted to May 10, 2017 on YouTube) about her direct experience with a big time producer who tried to exploit her (which inspired the song).

CW: visual sexual harassment, intimidation, verbal abuse, mild violence.


Towards the end of the video, Jesse touches on something very real for many folks who are in vulnerable positions and that is when someone has power to destroy you and your dreams.
"You don't want your dream to slip through your fingers." She tries to frame the reasoning for some of her actions in her being young and dumb. But it's not just that.
A lot of things can cause someone to not want their dream to slip through their fingers or to put their trust in a wolf in sheeps clothing. It can be a dream for yourself or a dream for your family, age has very little to do with it.  For the purpose of this blog I want to stick to recent movements in the entertainment industry to try to rectify the destruction of the dreams of the vulnerable who are trying to pursue their dreams. I want to be very pointed when I talk about who are the most vulnerable in this narrative, and they are women of color, young women of color, queer and transgender folk and if these trans and LGBT folk are of color they are exceptionally vulnerable. Historically, in all aspects of the world these folks have held less value than white women.
How true is this? Very.  
The easiest example: #metoo
I hope you are familiar with the #metoo hashtag. It took the internet by storm last fall. Its origin story is very simple. The message of Me Too was created by Tarana Burke back in 2006. It was reapporpriated by Alyssa Milano after the Harvey Weinstein stories broke last fall and more recently has been taken up by Rose McGowen who just signed a deal with E! Hollywood for a reality show (gross as it is the epitome of White Feminism). TIME magazine did the ultimate fail when they put whistleblowers on the cover as their person of the year but failed to include Burke, instead opting for the the more visible (and White Feminist icon extraordinaire) Taylor Swift, whose lawsuit was hailed as a landmark for women the world over (but people were grossly silent in supporting singer Ke$ha in her longterm battle against producer Dr. Luke). And if you look at the montage images of the women how have come forward against Weinstein, and indeed many of the prolific "misconduct" men in Hollywood- they are overwhelmingly white.

In a video published by The Root, Gabrielle Union-Wade discussed how despite women of color lodged complaints in Hollywood for decades, it took the "pain of Hollywood white royalty" to produce the "perfect victim" (which is true in so many assault narratives, as evidenced by character witnesses being called to testify). It was the white Hollywood royalty who were worthy of justice, not the decades of women of color who came before them.
I would like to expand upon this and say that the white Hollywood royalty came forward (and those that continue to) did so when they were established and secure in their positions and roles. It was at this point in their careers they did not face the same consequences of having their dreams slip through their fingers. No, they had achieved their dreams. They have amassed power, respect and various kinds of capital which allows them to come forward and raise their voice. As evidenced but the latest Time's Up campaign.

But Jesse raised her voice before white Hollywood royalty did. Women of color and their communities have long raised their voices seeking justice for sexual exploitation committed against them and their communities. In the rare instance that avenues of justice are made available to them, women of color face excruciating scrutiny in a process that already believes that the victim is lying (Anita Hill comes to mind, and her perpetrator is a Supreme Court Justice).

Women in the R.Kelly sex cult spoke up, and while it hurt R.Kelly's ticket sales, causing him to cancel a tour- the movement to help those women has not awakened the world en masse. I myself even recall having conversations about my disgust at R.Kelly but failed to even ask "Is anyone caring for the women?" Of course, it gets complicated when the idea of consent enters the picture versus Stockholm syndrome, age, etc. But these should not be excuses from asking the questions or intervention.

Now I am not speaking from an white savior position of "we have to save these poor women of color! They are being exploited by an evil black man!" I'm speaking from a reality that as a society we do not value women of color to the same degree we do white women and white purity. There is a term for it, it's called misogynoir. But this will be a separate blog entry entirely because there is a lot to be said about it... a lot already has been said about it.

WOMEN AS GATEKEEPERS AND MEN WHO ARE NOT

A friend of mine was writing a paper about the Weinstein scandal and #metoo for a film class. Because my degree is in Feminist Studies (yes, it literally says that on the paper) they asked me for help. After some discussion I asked them what they thought the solution to the "problem" would be. They said "To hire more women." 

"Well...that's a bit sexist don't you think? I mean. Have you considered all the different ways that women contribute to the problem?" 

They had not.

One of the lies of patriarchy is that men have an insatiable lust and cannot control themselves, and are violent creatures. Patriarchy tells us that men are trash. Patriarchy supposes that women will support each other. Women don't tear each other down, don't slut shame or body shame or practice elements of misogyny or violence. But this is not true.

Harassment and oppression are not a mathematical equations. You don't take out garbage and replace it with recycling. Because recycling is just selected bits of garbage that has been somehow deemed to have more value, rinsed out and placed into a different container. It's more effective to take out all the garbage and reimagine the entire system. In other words, a culture shift. This requires changes by everyone.

There is a critical moment in Jesse's video that shows how women contribute to being gatekeepers, and that not all men are trash. This happens when the woman who took her to meet the producers tell her, "I thought you knew," and goes on to explain that sex in exchange for a chance to record is "part of the game" (barf). The driver of the producer (male) undercuts it all and tells Jesse, "No it's not. You're fine." 

#TIMESUP

A lot of folks will be self-congratulating over their participation in the "Time's Up Now"  at the Golden Globes. I would caution you on thinking that wearing black, making a donation or rocking a pin somehow is enough (I'm looking at you Justin Timberlake). The website has some resources for folks, if you're interested. 

Consider this: 

-After awareness comes the work and the action. 

-The works is eduction. 

-And after education is action. 

-Action is more than wearing black and donating money.

What will become critical as we move forward (in addition to education) is listening to the voices that have been historically marginalized, and those that continue to be marginalized. 

I am referring to the folks who are the most vulnerable and therefore, the most easily exploitable. It is critical that we hear them, believe them and support the removal of gatekeepers in all their forms. These gatekeepers may be people we know. It is EVEN MORE CRITICAL that we educate ourselves (and not at the emotional expense of the vulnerable or victimized) of the many ways exploitation can manifest. 

This work will be uncomfortable. 

Websites to start your education: 

• I would invite you to start first and foremost with examining your position of power via the safety pin box project. This project is primarily geared towards race relations, however it can be a really powerful tool to help identify power differentials that you encounter every day through various dimensions (economic, racial, faith based, ableist, etc). Being able to identify the different ways you have power can help you identify the different ways you leverage your power to make space for others. A lot of folks don't think they have power or privilege and this website and the exercises will show you how you do. 
• Ms Burke's Me Too website  https://metoomvmt.org  BTW- Can you believe neither Natalie Portman NOR America Ferrera invited Tarana Burke as their guest? I mean, Ms. Burke was the springboard for their campaign and I think that is in poor form. But whatever. I'll have to explain another day why it is problematic. Ms Burke was invited to the party as a guest of Michelle Williams.

• The Lean In website on sexual harassment  https://leanin.org/sexual-harassment/ I thought it was worth including because it has resources for male and transgender  and LGBT victims of harassment who are so often overlooked in narratives of abuse. 

CLOSING THOUGHTS: BE KIND TO YOURSELF AND DON'T GET CAUGHT IN THE TRAP

As we educate ourselves we will be reminded of times when we didn't say something, and we may feel shame. But now is not the time to fall into the trappings of shame that often times accompany identifying new-found culpability that then paralyzes us from taking further action. It is important that we move past shame and reflect so that we can prepare ourselves to speak up and in those moments that we do speak up. 

We will have false starts and missteps. 

We will have moments that we recall where we realized that we failed to act, but all of that is not fodder for beating ourselves up and opting out of future action. 

If anything theses experiences are information that allow us to identify patterns that we can identify actionable moments when they arrive again. 

Because they will arise again. 

She Looked Me In The Eyes- Music by A Tribe Called Red

This song and Lido Pimienta (the powerful visual artist featured in this video) came to me at the end of a dream I had this morning, where I was in between aisles of imprisoned fish.



Inga Musico once about how when she gave up television vivid dreams began to return to her. And when she travelled and televisions were in her hotel rooms, if she did not cover them they would steal her dreams. In other words she would not remember her dreams when screens were present.



It might sound a little crazy, but for months I rarely had a dream that I remembered. I wold awake with songs in my head, but no visuals. And certainly no story to tell with the visuals. For a long time I thought it was because of the medication I take to manage my bipolar disorder, but when I awoke this morning I thought of Inga's words and I have not read that book in easily 15 years.



The few dreams I have had that have been ones that have ripped me from sleep in terror.



I have always loved dreaming. Preferring it at times in my life to being awake- as the weightlessness of dreams and limitlessness of capabilities have offered reprieve from this world. And I am a chronic daydreamer, often times preferring to be in conversation in my head with people that I long to have close to me as we walk through places that I hold with great affection. As a child I would often drift away from where I was, usually to the disappointment of the adults who were trying to capture my attention.



I hope to be able to have more dreams and record them privately, sharing only the songs with you as they come to me.



And just an FYI, Roxane Gay's book makes me want to stay up all night on the couch with her reading. I haven't felt that way about a book in a while.

The First Longing

Dear T.V.,

It's been four calendar days and tonight was my first night of longing for your anesthetizing presence.

I will confess that today at work, at the suggestion of my boss, I consumed you in full view and alongside my coworkers. As you recall, that was the one of the conditions in which it was permissible to invite you back into my world and it is so soon after leaving you that it seemed second nature to drink you in, and I did.

Five hours were given to you.

During commercial breaks I did minor work related productions of sending emails, but I know you don't care about that.

Like an recently spurned lover, you only wish to know how I had come to crave you this evening, and how intensely those cravings were. You wish to know only how this longing translates into suffering in you absence, my love.

Welcome to 2018! The first 48.

**CONTENT WARNING: Discussions of sexual assault, misconduct and rape.**

Welcome to 2018! 

I hope your New Year celebrations were...well....I hope they were whatever it is that you hoped they would be. 

I personally,chose to not go out. This was not out of any moral superiority but rather a deficit in the discretionary funds in my bank account (ha!). I stayed in and posted lots of stories to Instagram and Snapchat. And in the first hour of 2018 I did what I said I would do and that is to take the necessary steps to begin this journey of "NO T.V. in 2018." 

Evidentiary support to this claim can be found in this video below: 

Video content (for accessibility): my T.V., DVD player, Roku box and all my DVDs are packed away in a dark hole about four feet deep and behind a large blue plastic storage bin that is about two feet high and three feet deep. The contents of this storage bin are of sentimental value and by extension, are infinitely more valuable than the electronics stored behind them. I also cancelled my Netflix account. Music by Jasmine Janai: Discretion

I discovered that I somehow still owned a copy of Woody Allen's Scoop. Given Allen's questionable relationship with his stepdaughter and his shitty statements in response to the Weinstein allegations in which he essentially asked for people to disregard the experiences of the women involved (Allen dismisses them as "poor women")  in favor of compassion for the perpetrator, I threw the DVD in the trash. And yes, I know that Allen tried to clarify his statements, claiming ignorance to the severity of the allegations (how fucking nice it must be to not have to consider or be aware of such things) but I still refuse to support him. 

I want to explain why I refuse to support him. For me, when someone dismisses the experiences of victims, and asks for the humanity of the perpetrator to be prioritized, that person is an apologist for the misconduct. By being an apologist you are saying that the experiences of the victim is secondary to remorse, so-called illness or humanity of the perpetrator and it forces people to focus on the perpetrator rather than the victim. Usually, victims are bullied, shamed and discredited making it very difficult for them to come forward. And depending on the gender of the victim there can be deep social stigma that makes it impossible for them to come forward at all based on how they see others in society or in various circle (close or distant family or social circles) being responded to when coming forward- or even treated with regards to discussions about sex or sexual agency. 

This apologist narrative forces me to pose these question, "Why is the humanity of the perpetrator so much more important than that of their victim? Why was the humanity of the victim not considered important enough to not engage in the assault, and why is the humanity of the victim not considered worthy of love, support, compassion, understanding and care once they came forward? Why is the perpetrator deserving of these things over the victim?" 

That's some fucked up shit. And a line I don't tow.